The Heavy Bag
Connecting with strangers
I’ve been taking the subway without AirPods in.
I know, I know. It’s crazy, borderline psychotic, that instead of the informative Michael Barbaro or tranquil Chief Keef, I prefer to listen to the subway’s squeaky-ass wheels, the clink of the chain that sounds like the score of a horror movie prison escape, or the preteen next to me watching TikToks of Joe Biden and Donald Trump playing Minecraft together.
It’s a time to get some reading done or reflect on the day. (( Mostly, however, I just turn my brain off. Self-reflection is just overthinking with worse vibes ))
The best part, though, is that I get to notice shit like this:
A woman was sitting in the corner of one of the orange and yellow train cars (the cheddar chariots, if you will).
She was small in stature and older—maybe mid-60s—with short brown curly hair, very red lipstick, and a black fur coat that any pimp would be jealous of. She was, somehow, the most and least wrinkly person I’ve ever seen1. She had her bulky, suitcase-of-a-handbag on the floor (nasty) of the car. I noticed that she was staring at another woman standing by the door.
The other woman was younger—mid-30s, wearing a white Yankees ball cap, a khaki trench coat, and white Veja sneakers, while clutching an emotional-support water bottle in her arm (probably a Stanley, possibly a Hydro Flask, definitely an extension of her personality). On her other arm, a burgundy handbag—sturdy enough to hold a laptop, a book, and at least one overpriced lip balm. It looked structured yet bendable, strong but malleable—much like my opinion after a single persuasive tweet.
The older woman, we’ll call her Ethel, was staring at the younger woman, Cassandra, like she owed her money. I didn’t know whether I was about to hear something nonsensical, but I was sure I’d be intrigued by it.
“HI!” Ethel yelled, startling everyone within earshot. She pointed at Cassandra’s bag. “Where’d you get that?”
Cassandra, having calmed herself after being verbally accosted, replied, “HomeGoods! I—”
“Oh, I just love their goods! It looks so lovely,” Ethel interjected as the train doors opened.
“Aw, thank you!” Cassandra replied while walking off the train. “It was so affordable too. Take care!”
With the sudden vigor of Grandpa Joe springing from his sickbed, Ethel shot up and chased Cassandra into the void of Whitehall St.
“Oh, just amazing,” Ethel called out, closely following Cassandra with a little waddle straight out of Happy Feet23. “You know, they make these bags nowadays that—even when you don’t put anything in them—they’re so heavy and bulky and they hurt…”
Her voice trailed off as the train doors closed.
—
I like to think that Ethel didn’t have to get off at the stop. That she was originally planning on riding the R train to Coney Island but instead—in pursuit of additional knowledge about this $25 bag from Home Goods—she followed Cassandra all the way home to Staten Island.
I believe that somewhere, right now, Ethel is in Cassandra’s living room. She’s sipping tea she wasn’t invited to, asking Cassandra to explain how “it just fits everything so well.” Maybe she’s even holding the bag, weighing it in her hands, whispering, “Light… even when it’s full. Remarkable.”
For my Barrett’s Elementary school readers out there, think Mrs. Rothermick. It was basically her clone. Shoutout Suzuki man what a good class.
By the way, did you know that Happy Feet had a fucking all star cast???
Elijah Wood as Mumble
Robin Williams as Ramón, Cletus, Lovelace, and the narrator
Singlehandedly ensuring that 3 LA Actors remain full time baristas
Hugh Jackman as Memphis
Jimmy Carter as Barry3
Nicole Kidman as Norma Jean
MF FAT JOE as Seymour
Steve Irwin as Trev
Okay, Jimmy carter was not in that movie but I didn’t lie about the rest of the cast!