The Defensive Commuter
The Subway is a real place, I think.
There was this woman sitting next to me on the subway.
She looks late 50s, or early 60s, with a black beanie, a black North-Face-adjacent puffer coat, black pants, a black Nautica backpack, and some (you guessed it) light grey Adidas sneakers. It’s like her outfit was directed by Tim Burton, but the sneakers were a studio-mandated happy ending.
On her face, a blank stare. Not the type that’s completely mean, but, if she was my teacher, I’d rather wet myself than ask to use the bathroom. Needless to say, she looks like she’s ready for business. The type of person that would judge you for not having an alphabetized spice rack.
As I sit next to her, she performs what I can only describe as the advanced yogic position “The Defensive Commuter” — her arms folded inwards as if she’s trying to touch both of her shoulders to her chin at the same time. Unfortunately, having not completed her Cirque du Soleil training (presumably due to her strict all-black dress code), she’s unsuccessful.
I'm thinking, as I often do,
"What could this woman be doing? Where is she going? What’s the deal with the grey sneakers ruining the perfectly monochromatic outfit?”
And before I could come up with a story befitting the woman she must be, I hear from her purse the theme song from “UP”.
“Shit.” I think, indignant “I’ve misjudged her so completely, she’s listening to ‘A Married Life’ by Michael Giacchino1, she cares about balloons, she must have a heart of go-“
Before I can finish my thought, she pulls her phone out from her purse, “Frania” is calling2. She, with no hesitation, answers the call, coughs into the microphone, and—with the cold efficiency of someone who marks all Teams messages as read during a coworker’s emotional breakdown--promptly hangs it up and shoves that shit right back into the void of her purse.
The lesson here? Trust your instincts. If someone makes you think about wetting yourself, they just might pick up a phone call just to cough at you.
I didn’t have to look that up ‘A Married Life’ icyww 💅
What the fuck type of name is Frania? Sounds like a rejected IKEA furniture line.
stay out of women's business!!!